10. Swallow bleach.
9. Slit my wrists.
8. Cut my throat.
7. Jump off a building.
6. Play in traffic.
5. Sit on the train tracks.
4. Take a whole bottle of pills.
3. Overdose on insulin.
2. Buy a gun, shoot myself in the head.
1. Kill a bunch of assholes and let the cops shoot me.
So, I am on the phone with one of the dudes I chill with on a semi-regular basis. He and I get together once in a while, do the damn thing, and keep it moving. So, I call him, and ask him if he can help me out by assembling my new bed frame. He tells me to ask one of my "boy toys". I get quiet for a second, then start laughing. He asks me why I am laughing. So, I told him to think about what he just said, and maybe he would figure out WHY I was calling him!
I would like to bring you attention to a business called Wet Ink Comics, deemed the "Home of Urbanese Art". Wet Ink has several projects in the works which are available on the website. Wet Ink produces several comic book series, and a project featuring graffiti art. The company also sponsors the "Kids Ink" project, which promotes early reading and art education in schools. Please check out Wet Ink and support it's efforts.
When we first met, I NEVER thought that it would be more than a one time thing. But there was something special that I saw in you, and it wasn't too long before I fell head over heels in love with you. I thought I had been in love before, but I never imagined it could be so good between two people. All that has transpired between then does not matter, because I would love to be back in your arms in a heart beat. I do not care who I meet, you will always have my heart. Even if I meet and marry someone else, you will always be my boo.
When you left me, I thought I would die. I did not want to breath anymore. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I listened to this song hour after hour, day after day for months and months on end. I still feel like no one else can possibly make me as happy as you make me. You are still my best friend, and I am always here for you, if you need me, you know how to reach me. You bring sunshine into my day. If a day goes by and I do not hear your voice, it feels like it has been a day that I have not been truly alive.
Yes, I imagine us together some time in the future, walking down the aisle. And at our wedding reception, this is the song to which we would share our first dance. I cray when I hear this song and imagine you and I reuniting and being able to sing this song to you. Through all the years, all the trials and tribulations, you are still the one I love, I always have, and I always will.
So, I went out with a man who I have been avoiding for a few weeks now. He is a really nice guy. Not bad looking. Polite. Friendly. Courteous. The type who opens doors for a lady. First thing I noticed when I walked out to his car was that he opened the car door for me. I thought that was really sweet. Not too many guys do that nowadays. (I remember not knowing how to react when my ex pulled out my chair for me the first time we went to a restaurant LOL)
So, we went to go get coffee and doughnuts. I wasn't going to have him come to my house, because it was kinda messy, but we were really having some good conversation, so I changed my mind. So, we headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. He gave me his last two cigarettes. He even gave me money for the bus when I told him I was going to have to cancel my doctor's appointment because I had no way of getting there.
Then, he tried to kiss me. And thus ensued the awkwardness. Why? Because he is the "wrong" race. Yeah, I know, shallow as hell. And, I felt really awful about it, because he is a REALLY nice guy, and for all I know, he could become the love of my life. So, while my first instinct was to go back to ignoring his calls, I decided to tell him the truth.
I told him that I have dated Black men exclusively for the past 15 years, and am having a really hard time adjusting to the idea of dating someone who is not Black (he is El Salvadorean). He said he understood, and would be patient, and that he would still like to see me again.
I didn't know exactly how to explain it to him, but honestly, I almost feel like I am a traitor to my ideals by dating a man who is not Black. I don't know WHY I feel the way I do. It is like I feel that if I date someone who is not Black, I am turning my back on the fight for racial justice. And I know realistically this is not true. I can be just as effective in fighting racism dating a white man, a Black man, or a Hispanic man. But, there is this fear in my that if I date a man who is not Black he will end up being someone who is racist towards Black people.
I tried dating a Puerto Rican man a few years ago. But, after a few weeks of speaking with him, he started saying some fucking up things about Black women. So, I had to cut the relationship off. And I am terrified that the same thing will happen with this man. So, I told him about my concerns.
He SEEMS to be open minded and nonjudgmental SO FAR, but only time will tell. But, THE FIRST time I hear him say some uncalled for shit, will be the last time, believe me. I just hope he is patient and can bear with me until I am able to adjust to what is a brand new experience for me.