Top Ten (Ponderings of a Warped Mind)

10. Swallow bleach.
9. Slit my wrists.
8. Cut my throat.
7. Jump off a building.
6. Play in traffic.
5. Sit on the train tracks.
4. Take a whole bottle of pills.
3. Overdose on insulin.
2. Buy a gun, shoot myself in the head.
1. Kill a bunch of assholes and let the cops shoot me.

Songs I am Feeling Right Now (Yeah, I confess, I like Nicki Minaj)

This is for my homie Capone... even though I know he can't see it right now!

Stay strong homie, and take this opportunity to become the best man you can be!

I bet you think these songs are about you.... don't you?

When we first met, I NEVER thought that it would be more than a one time thing. But there was something special that I saw in you, and it wasn't too long before I fell head over heels in love with you. I thought I had been in love before, but I never imagined it could be so good between two people. All that has transpired between then does not matter, because I would love to be back in your arms in a heart beat. I do not care who I meet, you will always have my heart. Even if I meet and marry someone else, you will always be my boo.



When you left me, I thought I would die. I did not want to breath anymore. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I listened to this song hour after hour, day after day for months and months on end. I still feel like no one else can possibly make me as happy as you make me. You are still my best friend, and I am always here for you, if you need me, you know how to reach me. You bring sunshine into my day. If a day goes by and I do not hear your voice, it feels like it has been a day that I have not been truly alive.



Yes, I imagine us together some time in the future, walking down the aisle. And at our wedding reception, this is the song to which we would share our first dance. I cray when I hear this song and imagine you and I reuniting and being able to sing this song to you. Through all the years, all the trials and tribulations, you are still the one I love, I always have, and I always will.

I Like the Way it Hurts

I have been obsessing over this song ALL DAY. It must have played on the radio about 10 times today when I was running errands, and it caused an almost visceral reaction in me. I do not know why, but when I fantasize about a relationship, it is usually an extremely volatile one. Not that I would REALLY want to be in an abusive relationship, but for some reason, in the deepest realms of my mind I seem to associate dominance, jealousy and aggression with love.

When I meet a "nice" guy who treats me like a princess and really cares about me, I tend to push him away when I am at my sickest. And I gravitate towards the man who cannot love me the way I SHOULD want to be loved.

When I was 20, I had a brief experience with a man who laid his hands on me. It terrified me, but I went back to him the next day. And, every moment that we were together was filled with anxiety. A few weeks later, he hurt me again. And, I got away and never saw him again.

But, realistically, I know that if it had not been for my family keeping him away from me, it would have only been a matter of time before I went running back to him. And when he told me that him hitting me was proof that he cared, I believed him. For years after, I thought about this man, wishing that I could have been with him, but grateful that my family kept me from going back to him.

Now, I tend to gravitate towards men who are controlling and abusive. Now, I do not mean physically abusive (although if it came to that, in the state I am in right now, my feelings of "love" would override my common sense, particularly with one individual who I fantasize every day about being with)

For some reason, with a certain man, it excites me to be chastised, yelled at and insulted. I do not mean that I enjoy it at the moment, but I find myself gravitating more and more towards him the worse he treats me. I actually met a REALLY GREAT guy earlier this year who adored me, and told me so all the time, yet I could not commit to him because I was entranced with the controlling, domineering guy.

Now, I am not ALWAYS like this. I go through phases where I want to be dominated and controlled, and then I go back to "normal" and start looking for a man to love and respect me.

Someone once told me that every woman needs three men in her life: the romantic, the super stud and the gay best friend. Me, I need two men, one who will spoil me and love me, and one who will dominate me. Wouldn't live be perfect if I could find a man who was an amalgamation of both???

PS--- This song must really intrigue me, because normally I do not like Eminem. At all.