I can't Understand!

Why is it so easy for other women to get pregnant and not me?

I look at women who treat their children like dirt and wonder why they have been giving the blessing of being a mother while I have been denied. What egregious sin have I committed that I have not been able to conceive? Why am I being punished?

I look at 16 year old girls have babies and foisting their care off upon their mothers while they go out partying and wonder why THEY are able to be "mothers" when they DO NOT EVEN CARE or particularly WANT TO BE while I, who am DESPERATE to have a child of my own, am unable to??

I do not care HOW I have a child, whether it is a biological child, an adoptive child or a long term foster child, I WANT TO BE A MOMMY!

It is ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! I am not asking for a lot of money! I do not want a fancy car or a house! I do not need any of the "finer" things in life, I simply want the opportunity to raise a child. I want to be able to pass the lessons that I have learned throughout my life on to another human being. I want someone to nurture and take care of. Someone to provide for. Someone to love.

Every month, I become more and more depressed when I realize I am not pregnant. I trick myself into believing that it is GOING TO HAPPEN. This month I have take THREE pregnancy tests! I do not want to believe I am NOT having a child. I am late. I am nauseous. I am peeing every half hour. But, I am NOT pregnant.

Why??

I NEED to become a mother, more than I have ever needed anything in my entire life. I do not even see the purpose of continuing this life if I cannot have a child.

For YEARS, I have been "irregular". Because of my blood sugar (I thought it was my weight, but it turned out to be my sugar) I would go months, even years, without getting a period, and then when I did get one, it would last for months and months. At one point it lasted almost two years. So, I could understand why I was unable to conceive then.

But I am doing everything right now. My sugar WAS in the normal range (until a few weeks ago) and my cycle was regular for the first time in years. For the past three months, I have been trying to schedule my sexual activity around my cycle, to optimize my chance of conceiving. And still, nothing.

I am at my wits end. My doctor wants me to wait 4-6 months to seriously try to get pregnant. She wants my sugar to be BACK in normal range (it is still a tad high from the past few weeks of falling off my diet), and she wants to take me off of a bunch of my medications in preparation for pregnancy. I am terrified that no matter what I do, it is not going to happen!

I would love to be able to adopt, but as a single woman on a fixed income, that would be very difficult right now. So, I am going to work with my doctor on this one. I want this. I need this.

It WILL happen. I have to have faith.

I have to believe.

Still wishing and hoping

Well, another month goes by and still no prospect of becoming a mother. Went to the doctor today, and, due to wishful thinking, decoded to take yet another pregnancy test. Of course, as usual it was negative. I have been wanting this and trying to make it happen for 17 years now. I am on the verge of giving up. There is practically no time left. I try to read encouraging stories about women who became first time moms after 40. I remind myself of my cousin, who had a child at 40, and another at 42. With no fertility treatments involved.

But, I still keep thinking that 40 is this magical cutoff date. That if I do not get pregnant by the time I reach that age, I might as well give up entirely. I read once that by age 40, we only have 12% of our eggs left. It seems like it is practically impossible to get pregnant beyond that age.

Two years ago I went for a consultation for weight loss surgery. I declined to go through with it because the doctor told me I could not get pregnant for two years after the surgery, and I was intent on having a baby sooner than that. Now, the two years have passed, and I look back in dismay when I realize that I could have had the surgery, lost a lot of weight, increased my fertility and thus my chances of getting pregnant, and have a child on the way by now.

Now, it is REALLY too late to get the surgery if I want to have a baby. It is a year to wait before the surgery, and 2 years after... which would bring me to 40. And my odds of getting pregnant at 40 are slim to none.

My doctor today told me I should start walking. Get my blood sugar back under tight control (I was doing so good there, but depression has got me overeating again). Have sex 14 days after each period. Take folic acid every day. Get my hormone levels checked.

My ex keeps telling me to consult with a fertility doctor, to see if I CAN actually get pregnant. But, I do not believe my insurance will pay for it. I think that a fertility doctor will try to dissuade me from becoming pregnant, because it would be high risk (the risk to me is so worth taking though). And, what if I go to a fertility doctor and find out that I really can't get pregnant?? What will happen when I realize all hope really IS gone!

I would like to receive training to be a foster parent. But, my apartment is not big enough. If I HAD custody of a child, I would be allowed to get a bigger apartment, but they will not give me custody of a foster child until I do have a larger place. It is a vicious Catch 22.

My father's wife claims that they will not give me a foster child because of my mental health history. But, I met a woman who is an adoptive parent, and she told me that as long as I am functioning well currently, and for the past few years (which my doctor says I have been) then they will allow it.

I need something to happen. The desire to be a mother is too strong to ignore.