Still wishing and hoping

Well, another month goes by and still no prospect of becoming a mother. Went to the doctor today, and, due to wishful thinking, decoded to take yet another pregnancy test. Of course, as usual it was negative. I have been wanting this and trying to make it happen for 17 years now. I am on the verge of giving up. There is practically no time left. I try to read encouraging stories about women who became first time moms after 40. I remind myself of my cousin, who had a child at 40, and another at 42. With no fertility treatments involved.

But, I still keep thinking that 40 is this magical cutoff date. That if I do not get pregnant by the time I reach that age, I might as well give up entirely. I read once that by age 40, we only have 12% of our eggs left. It seems like it is practically impossible to get pregnant beyond that age.

Two years ago I went for a consultation for weight loss surgery. I declined to go through with it because the doctor told me I could not get pregnant for two years after the surgery, and I was intent on having a baby sooner than that. Now, the two years have passed, and I look back in dismay when I realize that I could have had the surgery, lost a lot of weight, increased my fertility and thus my chances of getting pregnant, and have a child on the way by now.

Now, it is REALLY too late to get the surgery if I want to have a baby. It is a year to wait before the surgery, and 2 years after... which would bring me to 40. And my odds of getting pregnant at 40 are slim to none.

My doctor today told me I should start walking. Get my blood sugar back under tight control (I was doing so good there, but depression has got me overeating again). Have sex 14 days after each period. Take folic acid every day. Get my hormone levels checked.

My ex keeps telling me to consult with a fertility doctor, to see if I CAN actually get pregnant. But, I do not believe my insurance will pay for it. I think that a fertility doctor will try to dissuade me from becoming pregnant, because it would be high risk (the risk to me is so worth taking though). And, what if I go to a fertility doctor and find out that I really can't get pregnant?? What will happen when I realize all hope really IS gone!

I would like to receive training to be a foster parent. But, my apartment is not big enough. If I HAD custody of a child, I would be allowed to get a bigger apartment, but they will not give me custody of a foster child until I do have a larger place. It is a vicious Catch 22.

My father's wife claims that they will not give me a foster child because of my mental health history. But, I met a woman who is an adoptive parent, and she told me that as long as I am functioning well currently, and for the past few years (which my doctor says I have been) then they will allow it.

I need something to happen. The desire to be a mother is too strong to ignore.