So.... I spent the evening with a man...

So, I went out with a man who I have been avoiding for a few weeks now. He is a really nice guy. Not bad looking. Polite. Friendly. Courteous. The type who opens doors for a lady. First thing I noticed when I walked out to his car was that he opened the car door for me. I thought that was really sweet. Not too many guys do that nowadays. (I remember not knowing how to react when my ex pulled out my chair for me the first time we went to a restaurant LOL)

So, we went to go get coffee and doughnuts. I wasn't going to have him come to my house, because it was kinda messy, but we were really having some good conversation, so I changed my mind. So, we headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. He gave me his last two cigarettes. He even gave me money for the bus when I told him I was going to have to cancel my doctor's appointment because I had no way of getting there.

Then, he tried to kiss me. And thus ensued the awkwardness. Why? Because he is the "wrong" race. Yeah, I know, shallow as hell. And, I felt really awful about it, because he is a REALLY nice guy, and for all I know, he could become the love of my life. So, while my first instinct was to go back to ignoring his calls, I decided to tell him the truth.

I told him that I have dated Black men exclusively for the past 15 years, and am having a really hard time adjusting to the idea of dating someone who is not Black (he is El Salvadorean). He said he understood, and would be patient, and that he would still like to see me again.

I didn't know exactly how to explain it to him, but honestly, I almost feel like I am a traitor to my ideals by dating a man who is not Black. I don't know WHY I feel the way I do. It is like I feel that if I date someone who is not Black, I am turning my back on the fight for racial justice. And I know realistically this is not true. I can be just as effective in fighting racism dating a white man, a Black man, or a Hispanic man. But, there is this fear in my that if I date a man who is not Black he will end up being someone who is racist towards Black people.

I tried dating a Puerto Rican man a few years ago. But, after a few weeks of speaking with him, he started saying some fucking up things about Black women. So, I had to cut the relationship off. And I am terrified that the same thing will happen with this man. So, I told him about my concerns.

He SEEMS to be open minded and nonjudgmental SO FAR, but only time will tell. But, THE FIRST time I hear him say some uncalled for shit, will be the last time, believe me. I just hope he is patient and can bear with me until I am able to adjust to what is a brand new experience for me.