Have You Ever Wanted Something so Bad it Hurt?

I never knew it was possible to want something so badly that it hurts. Too need something so much that you cannot sleep at night. I have been laying in bed for hours now and sleep is nowhere to be found. My mind will not stop running. I am absolutely obsessed. I cannot think of anything else. It is hard to even type because my body does not want to respond to my commands.

I want to be mother. I cannot imagine living another year without the prospect of having a child. I would walk through fire to have a son or daughter. Every time I think about life as a childless woman, I feel like I want to curl up in a little ball and turn to ashes.

I look at pictures of the children of my friends and it causes me physical pain. When I spend time at my father's house and see his wife's kids with their children, I end up having to leave the gathering, usually in tears. I have NEVER in my life wanted anything so passionately.

People tell me it is the wrong time to have a child, I do not have a career to support a child on my own. But, there are millions of women out there who are able to raise children with less resources than I have currently. While I do not have a high income, it is steady. My rent is a nominal amount. I spend half of my income each month on books and other forms of entertainment. If I cut back on those things, I will be able to support a child. He may not be able to always buy the newest video games or the brand name clothing, but he WILL be clothed and fed. And, even more importantly, he will be loved.

I have so much love to give a child. I have so much I can teach a child. I have always imagined being a PTA mom, going on school field trips with my child, and reading him bedtime stories at night. Even as a teenager, I knew that my ultimate purpose in life was to me a mom. Now, I am 36 years old, and nearing the end of my window of opportunity. And it terrifies me!

I do not want to go through life without a family. I am past the point of needing/wanting a "husband". I will be perfectly happy having a child. As long as the father of my child is in his life, he does not need to be my man.

I cannot sleep tonight because the thought of never having a child is weighing very heavily on my mind. Call me obsessed, but I simply do not want to live a life in which I cannot have a child. I dream about babies when I sleep. I wake up wondering if I will ever be blessed with a child. I go to sleep at night thinking about being a mother.

My mind will not stop. If I cannot have a child, I pray that my life will end. I cannot live without becoming a mother.

Please do not use my comment section to tell me how wrong I am to want a child at this point in life. I feel the way I feel, and no one can stop how I feel, so PLEASE do not try to convince me I am wrong.