I have NO IDEA how to be a girlfriend! A friend with benefits? Got that down pat! A booty call? Sure, no problems there! But a girlfriend? I am TOTALLY clueless!
My last serious relationship lasted for four years, and ended six long, lonely years ago. And even that relationship was not traditional. I won't go into details, but my ex and I definitely participated in some activities that were out of the norm. I never "cheated" during this relationship, because there was no need to, I was able to experience "variety" without telling lies or keeping secrets.
I have made some "interesting" choices in my dating/sex life over the years. If I was a man, I would have been called a "playboy", a "stud" or a "player", but since I am a female, I was looked at as a "slut", a "hoe" or a "freak." Serious double standard there, but that is for a whole other post!
Now I am at the point where I REALLY want a COMMITTED, LOVING, and LASTING relationship. Only problems is, I have NO IDEA how to go about transitioning from a "good time" girl to a "good" girl. I suspect the first step is to STOP having casual sexual encounters. I went from having sex on a regular basis to being celibate for the last two months. But, I feel like there is something wrong with me if I am NOT having sex. I read that the average single person has sex 49 times a year, which is roughly once a week, so I feel like I am doing something wrong by NOT participating in all the fun! I am used to being ABOVE average in all aspects of life, and being BELOW average when it comes to frequency of sexual activity is difficult for me to accept. Friends point out that over the years I have had enough sex for three lifetimes, but still, I don't want to "fall behind", dammit!
So, I have been looking for someone serious. A future husband, father, household partner type of man. And I have met quite a few in the process.... but therein lies the problem... I have NO IDEA how to be a future wife, mother, household partner type of woman.
Mainly, I have been resorting to online dating... I am a big woman, so I have joined some personals sites for BBWs and men who like BBWs. I have been reading dating advice books, and reading websites with romantic advice. And it seems like I am doing EVERYTHING wrong.
One advice page I checked out said to NEVER talk about politics or religion on the first date. TO keep the conversation on movies, television, music. But I cannot help but talk about my opinions on hot button issues. My political ideals are part of my moral fiber. I don't want to get involved with someone and find out they stand for the EXACT OPPOSITE of the things I stand for! So, I ramble on about my opinions on the government, the police, immigration, racism, and on and on. And never get a call back.
My friends tell me not to have sex too quickly. So, I make it clear from day one that I am NOT looking to jump into bed too soon. When a man asks to come see me at home, I make it a point to mention that an invitation to my apartment is NOT an invitation into my bedroom. I try not to get involved in ANY physical activities that may lead to my panties on the floor. And never get a call back.
I am SO romantically challenged that I do not even know dating protocol.... is the man ALWAYS supposed to pay for dinner? If he pays for dinner, should I offer to chip in for the movie? If he says he wants to come to my place and watch DVDs for our first meeting, is he just being cheap? Or looking for some nookie? Or is he just a homebody that likes to have peace and quiet? And as for phone calls... how long am I supposed to wait for him to call me back after a date? If I call him before he calls me, will I look too desperate? Or like a stalker? I am totally clueless!!
And then, there is the long distance issue... if I meet a man who lives an hour away in Manhattan and has no car, how often can I expect for him to make the trip out here to see me? If I speak to him on the phone everyday, but he doesn't take the trip out to visit, is he still interested, or is he just stringing me along? When he tells me his Mom and him live together, and that he helps her care for his grandma, is that reality, or is he just a Mama's boy? If he says he is working two jobs and doesn't have time to hang out is that just an excuse to not see me? Is he just trying to let me down easy?
I think I need to attend some sort of dating boot camp.... they have boot camps for weight loss, boot camps for wild teens, even boot camps for people who don't know how to cook.. so why not a boot camp for those of us who have no idea how to meet that special someone? Hey, when someone starts a dating boot camp, please sign me up!! You never know, I might just meet a nice guy there!P
Sweet Potato Casserole
13 years ago
5 comments:
Joanna, you said,
I feel like there is something wrong with me if I am NOT having sex.
I felt tormented for a number of years that my hot friends were having so much more sex than I was. It seemed that they knew or had something that I just didn't have. And that galled me.
I also had a tendency to hang around with men friends who had much more sex than the "average single person." My closeness to these "studs" and their stories of their sexual conquests just increased my envy to the breaking point. It's fair and honest to say that it drove me insane.
Although they have statistics on "single people", they probably include people who live together and people in long-time relationships but in different houses as being "single," since they're not married.
And the men having anonymous sex through the "glory holes" in bathroom stalls are definitely skewing the statistics upward.
Joanna, you said,
"I have NO IDEA how to be a future wife, mother, household partner type of woman."
I really wonder about this, because people typically learn from their parents first what it means to be a wife and a mother. I would encourage you to write down ten reasons each why you can't follow your mother's (and father's examples), or just follow their examples.
My father taught me absolutely nothing about how to be a husband, except how to cook and fix things around the house. I never imagined that coming home drunk and pissing on the front porch, while hiding vodka bottles all over the house, was an example I wanted to follow.
I guess we who got into self-help programs for Adult Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional families first learned what marriage and partnership was NOT.
Then, we started finding our ways toward healthier relationships.
My psychotherapist taught me to:
a). Look around to see who is looking admiringly at me. I had so much low self-esteem that it never had occurred to me that in my daily walk each days there are women who admire me and feel attracted to me.
b). Seduce women by showing interest in them, by asking questions about them. (I'm terrible at this, because I sound like I'm interrogating people. I think that by interviewing them I sometimes realized that we had nothing at all in common. That's alright because the purpose isn't to get everybody; it's to find one somebody who shares out likes and dislikes, and where there is mutual attraction. Mutual attraction often develops when people listen closely to what others are saying and respond in a way that shows that you understand them, but without trying to give them advice, criticize them or tell them what to do.)
The key is to find out what they're interested in and then express enthusiasm about the areas you have in common. A discussion about how the other person likes to spend their weekends can easily turn into a date for the weekend, which requires exchaning phone numbers and e-mail addresses, for getting the details down.
3). Of utmost importance we need to have WRITTEN criteria, so we can identify people who are unavailable for freely participating in a relationship. For a woman looking for a monogamous relationship of interdependence and mutual love and emotional understanding and compassion,
-Married men are unavailable. They can't be with you because they have to worry about what their wives will say. And they are NOT going to say.
-Emotional and Physical Batterers are out of the question. (If you read websites about this, there are early clues to men who will eventually act like this.)
-Instead of worrying about whether the other person liked you, first ask yourself how much you have in common with and like the other person. You may discover that you are so repulsed by some aspect of their lives that it doesn't matter whether they like you or not.
-For many years, I was blind (too afraid) to acknowledge women who really liked me and wanted to be with me. I'd ignore them, insult them or be too busy for them, so that I could continue to spend my time alone and regret that there was no woman in my life.
(When I was in France, a woman dropped her papers at my feet while I was in a book store. It never occurred to me until hours or days later that this could have been a way for her to get to meet me. I could have helped her to pick up the papers and engaged in a little conversation. That wouldn't have cost me anything. In retrospect, there is a long line of women who expressed interest in me, but whom I determinedly ignored, perhaps because I had low self-esteem and couldn't understand why they would be interested in me.
See, now I have always been the one who was having more sex then the people around me. But, it happens in quick bursts... I have A LOT of sex for a few weeks, and then I am just not in the mood for like a month.
Another issue with me is that I simply refuse to consider a man who is not Black. Now, it is one thing to say I do not want a white man because most are racists, BUT when I go out with my hair done and nice clothes on, I am approached by a lot of Hispanic men, and I just walk away from them as well. Part of it is physical attraction, another part of it is my political views.
I met a man who is originally from el Salvador. He came to visit me one time, and we had a decent time. But the whole time, I was wondering if he was someone who bought into the whole "Black people are bad" stereotype that so many people of all ethnicities seem to embrace. When he laughed at a joke on the Boondocks, I wondered if he was laughing because he recognized how the show was pointing out stupid stereotypes, or if he was laughing because he BELIEVED the stereotypes. When he went to kiss me at one point, I turned my head. He ended up leaving, becuase I just had nothing else to say to him. But apparently he really likes me because he keeps calling. Part of me says I should answer his calls and give it another chance, but for some reason I feel like I am abandoning my ideals by dating a man who is not Black, especially since I really want someone who is as passionately anti-racist as me!
I've been married for more than 21 years; but I know this, all married people are one conversation away from getting a divorce. Married people are quick to try and tell single people what they need to do to get married; and all the while many of those married people wish that they were single.
It is what it is.
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