I can't Understand!

Why is it so easy for other women to get pregnant and not me?

I look at women who treat their children like dirt and wonder why they have been giving the blessing of being a mother while I have been denied. What egregious sin have I committed that I have not been able to conceive? Why am I being punished?

I look at 16 year old girls have babies and foisting their care off upon their mothers while they go out partying and wonder why THEY are able to be "mothers" when they DO NOT EVEN CARE or particularly WANT TO BE while I, who am DESPERATE to have a child of my own, am unable to??

I do not care HOW I have a child, whether it is a biological child, an adoptive child or a long term foster child, I WANT TO BE A MOMMY!

It is ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! I am not asking for a lot of money! I do not want a fancy car or a house! I do not need any of the "finer" things in life, I simply want the opportunity to raise a child. I want to be able to pass the lessons that I have learned throughout my life on to another human being. I want someone to nurture and take care of. Someone to provide for. Someone to love.

Every month, I become more and more depressed when I realize I am not pregnant. I trick myself into believing that it is GOING TO HAPPEN. This month I have take THREE pregnancy tests! I do not want to believe I am NOT having a child. I am late. I am nauseous. I am peeing every half hour. But, I am NOT pregnant.

Why??

I NEED to become a mother, more than I have ever needed anything in my entire life. I do not even see the purpose of continuing this life if I cannot have a child.

For YEARS, I have been "irregular". Because of my blood sugar (I thought it was my weight, but it turned out to be my sugar) I would go months, even years, without getting a period, and then when I did get one, it would last for months and months. At one point it lasted almost two years. So, I could understand why I was unable to conceive then.

But I am doing everything right now. My sugar WAS in the normal range (until a few weeks ago) and my cycle was regular for the first time in years. For the past three months, I have been trying to schedule my sexual activity around my cycle, to optimize my chance of conceiving. And still, nothing.

I am at my wits end. My doctor wants me to wait 4-6 months to seriously try to get pregnant. She wants my sugar to be BACK in normal range (it is still a tad high from the past few weeks of falling off my diet), and she wants to take me off of a bunch of my medications in preparation for pregnancy. I am terrified that no matter what I do, it is not going to happen!

I would love to be able to adopt, but as a single woman on a fixed income, that would be very difficult right now. So, I am going to work with my doctor on this one. I want this. I need this.

It WILL happen. I have to have faith.

I have to believe.