This is a REAL telephone conversation I just had!

So, I am on the phone with one of the dudes I chill with on a semi-regular basis. He and I get together once in a while, do the damn thing, and keep it moving. So, I call him, and ask him if he can help me out by assembling my new bed frame. He tells me to ask one of my "boy toys". I get quiet for a second, then start laughing. He asks me why I am laughing. So, I told him to think about what he just said, and maybe he would figure out WHY I was calling him!

I bet you think these songs are about you.... don't you?

When we first met, I NEVER thought that it would be more than a one time thing. But there was something special that I saw in you, and it wasn't too long before I fell head over heels in love with you. I thought I had been in love before, but I never imagined it could be so good between two people. All that has transpired between then does not matter, because I would love to be back in your arms in a heart beat. I do not care who I meet, you will always have my heart. Even if I meet and marry someone else, you will always be my boo.



When you left me, I thought I would die. I did not want to breath anymore. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I listened to this song hour after hour, day after day for months and months on end. I still feel like no one else can possibly make me as happy as you make me. You are still my best friend, and I am always here for you, if you need me, you know how to reach me. You bring sunshine into my day. If a day goes by and I do not hear your voice, it feels like it has been a day that I have not been truly alive.



Yes, I imagine us together some time in the future, walking down the aisle. And at our wedding reception, this is the song to which we would share our first dance. I cray when I hear this song and imagine you and I reuniting and being able to sing this song to you. Through all the years, all the trials and tribulations, you are still the one I love, I always have, and I always will.

So.... I spent the evening with a man...

So, I went out with a man who I have been avoiding for a few weeks now. He is a really nice guy. Not bad looking. Polite. Friendly. Courteous. The type who opens doors for a lady. First thing I noticed when I walked out to his car was that he opened the car door for me. I thought that was really sweet. Not too many guys do that nowadays. (I remember not knowing how to react when my ex pulled out my chair for me the first time we went to a restaurant LOL)

So, we went to go get coffee and doughnuts. I wasn't going to have him come to my house, because it was kinda messy, but we were really having some good conversation, so I changed my mind. So, we headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. He gave me his last two cigarettes. He even gave me money for the bus when I told him I was going to have to cancel my doctor's appointment because I had no way of getting there.

Then, he tried to kiss me. And thus ensued the awkwardness. Why? Because he is the "wrong" race. Yeah, I know, shallow as hell. And, I felt really awful about it, because he is a REALLY nice guy, and for all I know, he could become the love of my life. So, while my first instinct was to go back to ignoring his calls, I decided to tell him the truth.

I told him that I have dated Black men exclusively for the past 15 years, and am having a really hard time adjusting to the idea of dating someone who is not Black (he is El Salvadorean). He said he understood, and would be patient, and that he would still like to see me again.

I didn't know exactly how to explain it to him, but honestly, I almost feel like I am a traitor to my ideals by dating a man who is not Black. I don't know WHY I feel the way I do. It is like I feel that if I date someone who is not Black, I am turning my back on the fight for racial justice. And I know realistically this is not true. I can be just as effective in fighting racism dating a white man, a Black man, or a Hispanic man. But, there is this fear in my that if I date a man who is not Black he will end up being someone who is racist towards Black people.

I tried dating a Puerto Rican man a few years ago. But, after a few weeks of speaking with him, he started saying some fucking up things about Black women. So, I had to cut the relationship off. And I am terrified that the same thing will happen with this man. So, I told him about my concerns.

He SEEMS to be open minded and nonjudgmental SO FAR, but only time will tell. But, THE FIRST time I hear him say some uncalled for shit, will be the last time, believe me. I just hope he is patient and can bear with me until I am able to adjust to what is a brand new experience for me.

Lonely

I am so sick and tired of sleeping alone at night. I have a big, huge bed, and I need someone to lie beside me in it. I want to wake up and see his sleeping form beside me, and know that he means something to me and I mean something to him. I need love.

For the past few years, I have said that having a man didn't mean as much to me as having a child. That I could live without a boyfriend or a husband. That I preferred to be on my own, to not have anyone to answer to.

I am not so sure now.

I want someone here who will hold me when I need to be held. Who will kiss me when my lips are burning with desire. Who will stroke my cheek and run his fingers through my hair.

I am sick of being alone.

I really cannot imagine living the rest of my life as a single, childless woman. If I have to, I would honestly rather not live at all. I need love.

I need someone to listen to me when I speak, to comfort me when I cry, and to cheer me up when I am down.

I need someone in my life. I have an empty void in my life. I am tired of being alone.

I am 36 years old. I have no husband. No boyfriend. No children. No prospects.

I do not know what to do. I cannot continue to go on like this. I need someone special in my life. I need someone to love.

I need a miracle.

Shit, at this point, I will just settle for a warm body lying next to me at night.

Another Post about Love (and Hell)

I am in love. There is a person in my life who I would love to spend every day and every night with. When I imagine him with someone else, I feel like I am being roasted in Hell fire. When he talks about his children, I wish I could have a child with him. At one point I even asked him to be the father of my child. He turned me down.

I tried to distance myself from the situation, knowing that I tend to get extremely emotional when it comes to men. When I realized I could not stop thinking of him from the moment I woke up until the moment I laid my head down to sleep at night, I thought I had to do something to get him off of my mind. So, I stopped talking to him, thinking I would get over it in a few weeks. After two months, I realized it was not going to happen. So I started talking to him again.

I try REALLY hard to keep our conversations business like. I KNOW he does no reciprocate my feelings for him, but I keep holding on to hope that he will some day. This is my pattern. I fall for someone who wants to "just be friends", I cannot let go. I obsess day and night over the object of my affection. I annoy my friends and family by constantly talking about this individual. I go out of my way to do things for the person, hoping I will convince them that I am who they want in their life. And it NEVER works.

When I find someone who I feel so strongly about, nothing else matters. I can meet a million other men, even find someone who says he loves me, and it doesn't matter. I cannot give up on the person who I feel all of these emotions for. I am willing to sacrifice anything to be with the person. I want to cook for him, clean for him, perform any sexual act he desires. I want to love him. And, I want him to love me back.

Supposedly, if you can't be with the one you love, you should love the one you are with. I cannot do that. I keep imagining that things would be so much better, that I would be so much happier if only a certain person would make me his wife. I keep thinking that one of these days, one of these men that I love so hard will actually return the emotion. But, another part of me feels like I could never be "good enough" to be with the person who I love. I idolize the person. I make him into my God.

The funny thing is, the current object of my affection is someone who I have never even met. But, I want to spend my life with him. I want to take care of him, cater to him, love him.

Then again, if he DID offer me his love, I don't think I would know what to do with it.

I got More Issues than a Magazine Rack

OK, I should be doing what any good liberal blogger should be doing right now, and writing about the overturning of Prop 8. But, to be honest, right now I just do not really care who gets to marry who. To be honest, I would rather NO ONE be allowed to get married... that way maybe I will not feel so disgusted with myself for being a lonely old spinster cat lady with no prospects.

Yeah, I got issues. Anyone who talks to me for more than 15 minutes knows that I am a whole sack full of crazy. For that reason, I do not have many friends. The people who ARE in my life are the ones who can put up with my clinginess, my selfishness and my histrionics. As you can imagine, there are not too many of them.

I have had people tell me that they cannot understand why I am so lonely, why I spent most of my days home alone of the couch with no one to talk to, nose deep in a book. I am friendly, I am smart, I am caring. On the surface, I seem like a really great gal. But, once you get to know me, it is like you opened Pandora's box and unleashed all that is evil on the world.

When I find someone who treats me with respect, who seems to give a damn, I start to OD. I call them CONSTANTLY. If I cannot get in touch with them for an hour or two, I freak out and start to think that they are mad at me and never want to speak to me again. When I end a conversation with someone, I find myself mulling it over in my head for hours after wards, chastising myself for all of the things I said or did wrong. I pick apart every minute detail, and see only failure. Usually the other person who is in on the conversation never even gives a second thought to some faux pas I made that to me seems like a major tragedy.

My therapist told me I have abandonment issues. I do not know where they come from, but my life seems to revolve around the fear of someone leaving me. So, I end up pushing them away by all of my crazy demands. And I really don't mean that I consciously demand "things". Rather, I demand a lot of time and attention. I need Someone who is going to be there to talk to me and listen to me when I need someone to talk to. I need someone to talk me down when I have a batch of pills in my hand, and am ready to swallow them all. I need people who can deal with my crazy.

And frankly, that type of person does not come along very often at all.

The Thin Line Between Sexual Addiction and Just Plain Sluttiness

I decided to repost this one, because everyone was so supportive when it was originally up. I had allowed my feelings to get hurt when I originally posted it, and took it down hastily, but I am reposting in hopes of having someone who needs to hear what I am going through read it! And, maybe even find others who have gone through similar situations and can offer some assistance!



I am constantly seeking love and acceptance. I want to feel like SOMEONE sees me as an important person, even if only for a few hours. Which could possibly be why I seem to be so intent on participating in sexual activity so damn much!

I actually told a friend the other day that I wish I had someone who would touch me, caress me, kiss me and LOVE me. And after I said I wanted someone to love me I added "or at least pretend they do". On other occasions when I have spoken about wanting to feel loved, I have added "at least for a few hours". It seems I am seeking something, a way to fill a void in my life. And, unfortunately, sex often seems to be the best remedy for my empty feelings.

Which wouldn't be so bad if I actually had a steady partner. Instead, I end up allowing a random series of men into my life, into my home, indeed, into my BODY hoping to fill the void. Yes, I am satisfied for a short while, but eventually that feeling of perpetual loneliness returns, and I find myself right back on line seeking my next "fix".

I have always wondered if I was a sex addict. Those questionnaires that are supposed to help you determine the answer are pretty useless. According to some of them, everyone and his uncle is an addict when it comes to sex. But, I do see a lot of "issues" surrounding sex in my life.

1. I feel like I have to keep up to a certain standard regarding the frequency of sex in order to be a "real woman".

2. When I am emotionally stressed, my first thought to relieve the pain I am feeling is to have sex with a random man.

3. I go through periods when I am stimulated only by the thought of being controlled, dominated, and yes, even humiliated during sex.

4. I cannot have a straight male friend without wanting to sleep with him to "prove" my desirability.

5. I become angry and frustrated when someone turns me down sexually.

6. I try to sleep with men who already have women to feel like I am "special" enough for them to risk ruining their relationships.

7. I have ruined friendships in the pursuit of sexual or emotional gratification from a man.

8. And, one that I NEVER thought I would do... I have cheated! (All through my dating life, I prided myself on having always been faithful, and I threw that away a few months ago.

9. I have a problem with self satisfaction (though I enjoyed it when I was younger) because I feel like a desirable woman does not need to resort to masturbation.

10. I have put my personal safety on the line time and time again by bringing strange men into my home, and by not practicing safe sex.

11. I have spend countless hours looking at porn on the internet, or having "cyber sex"

So, now you see me. I am letting it all hang out. Part of me desires a long lasting, truly committed relationship, but another part is constantly seeking the stimulation of a new encounter. I always try to say "I am a good woman" or "I would make a good girlfriend/wife" but at this point, I do not know if I believe all of that. Part of me feels like I need to pursue emotionally unfulfilling sexual experiences to keep from being hurt. I am afraid to REALLY TRULY give myself over to another human being, because the last time I did that, I got hurt. So, sex is the next best thing to intimacy.

Anyway, it is 6 in the morning, I have had no sleep, and this blog has been taking a serious detour into "personal" issues which is not what I intended when I started it. It has gone from a tool of political expression to a place of unburdening myself, and I am not quite sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I Like the Way it Hurts

I have been obsessing over this song ALL DAY. It must have played on the radio about 10 times today when I was running errands, and it caused an almost visceral reaction in me. I do not know why, but when I fantasize about a relationship, it is usually an extremely volatile one. Not that I would REALLY want to be in an abusive relationship, but for some reason, in the deepest realms of my mind I seem to associate dominance, jealousy and aggression with love.

When I meet a "nice" guy who treats me like a princess and really cares about me, I tend to push him away when I am at my sickest. And I gravitate towards the man who cannot love me the way I SHOULD want to be loved.

When I was 20, I had a brief experience with a man who laid his hands on me. It terrified me, but I went back to him the next day. And, every moment that we were together was filled with anxiety. A few weeks later, he hurt me again. And, I got away and never saw him again.

But, realistically, I know that if it had not been for my family keeping him away from me, it would have only been a matter of time before I went running back to him. And when he told me that him hitting me was proof that he cared, I believed him. For years after, I thought about this man, wishing that I could have been with him, but grateful that my family kept me from going back to him.

Now, I tend to gravitate towards men who are controlling and abusive. Now, I do not mean physically abusive (although if it came to that, in the state I am in right now, my feelings of "love" would override my common sense, particularly with one individual who I fantasize every day about being with)

For some reason, with a certain man, it excites me to be chastised, yelled at and insulted. I do not mean that I enjoy it at the moment, but I find myself gravitating more and more towards him the worse he treats me. I actually met a REALLY GREAT guy earlier this year who adored me, and told me so all the time, yet I could not commit to him because I was entranced with the controlling, domineering guy.

Now, I am not ALWAYS like this. I go through phases where I want to be dominated and controlled, and then I go back to "normal" and start looking for a man to love and respect me.

Someone once told me that every woman needs three men in her life: the romantic, the super stud and the gay best friend. Me, I need two men, one who will spoil me and love me, and one who will dominate me. Wouldn't live be perfect if I could find a man who was an amalgamation of both???

PS--- This song must really intrigue me, because normally I do not like Eminem. At all.