So.... I spent the evening with a man...

So, I went out with a man who I have been avoiding for a few weeks now. He is a really nice guy. Not bad looking. Polite. Friendly. Courteous. The type who opens doors for a lady. First thing I noticed when I walked out to his car was that he opened the car door for me. I thought that was really sweet. Not too many guys do that nowadays. (I remember not knowing how to react when my ex pulled out my chair for me the first time we went to a restaurant LOL)

So, we went to go get coffee and doughnuts. I wasn't going to have him come to my house, because it was kinda messy, but we were really having some good conversation, so I changed my mind. So, we headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. He gave me his last two cigarettes. He even gave me money for the bus when I told him I was going to have to cancel my doctor's appointment because I had no way of getting there.

Then, he tried to kiss me. And thus ensued the awkwardness. Why? Because he is the "wrong" race. Yeah, I know, shallow as hell. And, I felt really awful about it, because he is a REALLY nice guy, and for all I know, he could become the love of my life. So, while my first instinct was to go back to ignoring his calls, I decided to tell him the truth.

I told him that I have dated Black men exclusively for the past 15 years, and am having a really hard time adjusting to the idea of dating someone who is not Black (he is El Salvadorean). He said he understood, and would be patient, and that he would still like to see me again.

I didn't know exactly how to explain it to him, but honestly, I almost feel like I am a traitor to my ideals by dating a man who is not Black. I don't know WHY I feel the way I do. It is like I feel that if I date someone who is not Black, I am turning my back on the fight for racial justice. And I know realistically this is not true. I can be just as effective in fighting racism dating a white man, a Black man, or a Hispanic man. But, there is this fear in my that if I date a man who is not Black he will end up being someone who is racist towards Black people.

I tried dating a Puerto Rican man a few years ago. But, after a few weeks of speaking with him, he started saying some fucking up things about Black women. So, I had to cut the relationship off. And I am terrified that the same thing will happen with this man. So, I told him about my concerns.

He SEEMS to be open minded and nonjudgmental SO FAR, but only time will tell. But, THE FIRST time I hear him say some uncalled for shit, will be the last time, believe me. I just hope he is patient and can bear with me until I am able to adjust to what is a brand new experience for me.

How Can I go from Promiscuous Girl To Virtuous Woman?

I have NO IDEA how to be a girlfriend! A friend with benefits? Got that down pat! A booty call? Sure, no problems there!  But a girlfriend? I am TOTALLY clueless!

My last serious relationship lasted for four years, and ended six long, lonely years ago. And even that relationship was not traditional. I won't go into details, but my ex and I definitely participated in some activities that were out of the norm. I never "cheated" during this relationship, because there was no need to, I was able to experience  "variety" without telling lies or keeping secrets.

I have made some "interesting" choices in my dating/sex life over the years. If I was a man, I would have been called a "playboy", a "stud" or a "player", but since I am a female, I was looked at as a "slut", a "hoe" or a "freak." Serious double standard there, but that is for a whole other post!

Now I am at the point where I REALLY want a COMMITTED, LOVING, and LASTING relationship. Only problems is, I have NO IDEA how to go about transitioning from a "good time" girl to a "good" girl. I suspect the first step is to STOP having casual sexual encounters. I went from having sex on a regular basis to being celibate for the last two months. But, I feel like there is something wrong with me if I am NOT having sex. I read that the average single person has sex 49 times a year, which is roughly once a week, so I feel like I am doing something wrong by NOT participating in all the fun! I am used to being ABOVE average in all aspects of life, and being BELOW average when it comes to frequency of sexual activity is difficult for me to accept. Friends point out that over the years I have had enough sex for three lifetimes, but still, I don't want to "fall behind", dammit!

So, I have been looking for someone serious. A future husband, father, household partner type of man. And I have met quite a few in the process.... but therein lies the problem... I have NO IDEA how to be a future wife, mother,  household partner type of woman.

Mainly, I have been resorting to online dating... I am a big woman, so I have joined some personals sites for BBWs and men who like BBWs. I have been reading dating advice books, and reading websites with romantic advice. And it seems like I am doing EVERYTHING wrong.

One advice page I checked out said to NEVER talk about politics or religion on the first date. TO keep the conversation on movies, television, music. But I cannot help but talk about my opinions on hot button issues. My political ideals are part of my moral fiber. I don't want to get involved with someone and find out they stand for the EXACT OPPOSITE of the things I stand for! So, I ramble on about my opinions on the government, the police, immigration, racism, and on and on. And never get a call back.

My friends tell me not to have sex too quickly. So, I make it clear from day one that I am NOT looking to jump into bed too soon. When a man asks to come see me at home, I make it a point to mention that an invitation to my apartment is NOT an invitation into my bedroom. I try not to get involved in ANY physical activities that may lead to my panties on the floor. And never get a call back.

I am SO romantically challenged that I do not even know dating protocol.... is the man ALWAYS supposed to pay for dinner? If he pays for dinner, should I offer to chip in for the movie? If he says he wants to come to my place and watch DVDs for our first meeting, is he just being cheap? Or looking for some nookie? Or is he just a homebody that likes to have peace and quiet? And as for phone calls... how long am I supposed to wait for him to call me back after a date? If I call him before he calls me, will I look too desperate? Or like a stalker? I am totally clueless!!

And then, there is the long distance issue... if I meet a man who lives an hour away in Manhattan and has no car, how often can I expect for him to make the trip out here to see me? If I speak to him on the phone everyday, but he doesn't take the trip out to visit, is he still interested, or is he just stringing me along? When he tells me his Mom and him live together, and that he helps her care for his grandma, is that reality, or is he just a Mama's boy? If he says he is working two jobs and doesn't have time to hang out is that just an excuse to not see me? Is he just trying to let me down easy?

I think I need to attend some sort of dating boot camp.... they have boot camps for weight loss, boot camps for wild teens, even boot camps for people who don't know how to cook.. so why not a boot camp for those of us who have no idea how to meet that special someone? Hey, when someone starts a dating boot camp, please sign me up!! You never know, I might just meet a nice guy there!P