I can't Understand!

Why is it so easy for other women to get pregnant and not me?

I look at women who treat their children like dirt and wonder why they have been giving the blessing of being a mother while I have been denied. What egregious sin have I committed that I have not been able to conceive? Why am I being punished?

I look at 16 year old girls have babies and foisting their care off upon their mothers while they go out partying and wonder why THEY are able to be "mothers" when they DO NOT EVEN CARE or particularly WANT TO BE while I, who am DESPERATE to have a child of my own, am unable to??

I do not care HOW I have a child, whether it is a biological child, an adoptive child or a long term foster child, I WANT TO BE A MOMMY!

It is ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! I am not asking for a lot of money! I do not want a fancy car or a house! I do not need any of the "finer" things in life, I simply want the opportunity to raise a child. I want to be able to pass the lessons that I have learned throughout my life on to another human being. I want someone to nurture and take care of. Someone to provide for. Someone to love.

Every month, I become more and more depressed when I realize I am not pregnant. I trick myself into believing that it is GOING TO HAPPEN. This month I have take THREE pregnancy tests! I do not want to believe I am NOT having a child. I am late. I am nauseous. I am peeing every half hour. But, I am NOT pregnant.

Why??

I NEED to become a mother, more than I have ever needed anything in my entire life. I do not even see the purpose of continuing this life if I cannot have a child.

For YEARS, I have been "irregular". Because of my blood sugar (I thought it was my weight, but it turned out to be my sugar) I would go months, even years, without getting a period, and then when I did get one, it would last for months and months. At one point it lasted almost two years. So, I could understand why I was unable to conceive then.

But I am doing everything right now. My sugar WAS in the normal range (until a few weeks ago) and my cycle was regular for the first time in years. For the past three months, I have been trying to schedule my sexual activity around my cycle, to optimize my chance of conceiving. And still, nothing.

I am at my wits end. My doctor wants me to wait 4-6 months to seriously try to get pregnant. She wants my sugar to be BACK in normal range (it is still a tad high from the past few weeks of falling off my diet), and she wants to take me off of a bunch of my medications in preparation for pregnancy. I am terrified that no matter what I do, it is not going to happen!

I would love to be able to adopt, but as a single woman on a fixed income, that would be very difficult right now. So, I am going to work with my doctor on this one. I want this. I need this.

It WILL happen. I have to have faith.

I have to believe.

Still wishing and hoping

Well, another month goes by and still no prospect of becoming a mother. Went to the doctor today, and, due to wishful thinking, decoded to take yet another pregnancy test. Of course, as usual it was negative. I have been wanting this and trying to make it happen for 17 years now. I am on the verge of giving up. There is practically no time left. I try to read encouraging stories about women who became first time moms after 40. I remind myself of my cousin, who had a child at 40, and another at 42. With no fertility treatments involved.

But, I still keep thinking that 40 is this magical cutoff date. That if I do not get pregnant by the time I reach that age, I might as well give up entirely. I read once that by age 40, we only have 12% of our eggs left. It seems like it is practically impossible to get pregnant beyond that age.

Two years ago I went for a consultation for weight loss surgery. I declined to go through with it because the doctor told me I could not get pregnant for two years after the surgery, and I was intent on having a baby sooner than that. Now, the two years have passed, and I look back in dismay when I realize that I could have had the surgery, lost a lot of weight, increased my fertility and thus my chances of getting pregnant, and have a child on the way by now.

Now, it is REALLY too late to get the surgery if I want to have a baby. It is a year to wait before the surgery, and 2 years after... which would bring me to 40. And my odds of getting pregnant at 40 are slim to none.

My doctor today told me I should start walking. Get my blood sugar back under tight control (I was doing so good there, but depression has got me overeating again). Have sex 14 days after each period. Take folic acid every day. Get my hormone levels checked.

My ex keeps telling me to consult with a fertility doctor, to see if I CAN actually get pregnant. But, I do not believe my insurance will pay for it. I think that a fertility doctor will try to dissuade me from becoming pregnant, because it would be high risk (the risk to me is so worth taking though). And, what if I go to a fertility doctor and find out that I really can't get pregnant?? What will happen when I realize all hope really IS gone!

I would like to receive training to be a foster parent. But, my apartment is not big enough. If I HAD custody of a child, I would be allowed to get a bigger apartment, but they will not give me custody of a foster child until I do have a larger place. It is a vicious Catch 22.

My father's wife claims that they will not give me a foster child because of my mental health history. But, I met a woman who is an adoptive parent, and she told me that as long as I am functioning well currently, and for the past few years (which my doctor says I have been) then they will allow it.

I need something to happen. The desire to be a mother is too strong to ignore.

Reading is Fundamental

I love to read. I have ALWAYS loved to read. I LOVE a good story. Although my parents were not big on reading themselves, they instilled a love for the written word in me early by reading my sisters and I a story every night before we went to bed. After I learned how to read, I was constantly found with my nose in a book, immersing myself in the world held between the pages.

I also LOVED learning. I remember when I was in 2nd grade, my aunt had been given a stash of discarded textbooks from my cousin's school. She was getting ready to discard them, when I spotted the pile of books. I asked her if I could take them home, and when I did, I absorbed the information found within voraciously.

When my sisters, neighbors and cousins would spend the day playing games and sports, I would participate for only a short while. Then, I would go sit on a tree stump in the backyard, and read a story. How I loved the adventures of Harriet the Spy, Encyclopedia Brown and Superfudge. I learned how to eat fried worms, and I imagined I was a student at Sweet Valley High. I desperately wanted to be a "Greaser" and hang out with Ponyboy, Soda Pop, Johnny and the rest of the gang.

As a child, I was picked on and berated by my peers. So, I would lose myself in the world I found in my books, in a world of my own imagination. Everywhere I went, I carried at least one book. When my mother took me to the library I would pick out more books then I could carry. I even read the back of cereal boxes!

I remember begging my parents to let me leave my bedroom lights on for "just ten more minutes" or "until I get to the end of this chapter". And after lights out, I would struggle to read by the dim nightlight!

Nowadays, I spend more time reading than I do in any other past time. I NEVER go anywhere without a book. I try to rotate between fiction and non fiction. I am partial to thrillers and forensic detective novels. I love fiction by Black authors and featuring characters from all walks of life. I also love reading books about politics, race and justice. But, I will read absolutely anything (except those corny romance novels with models like Fabio on the cover)

I cannot imagine life without books. I read somewhere that the majority of people, once they are done with school, NEVER pick up another book. I cannot imagine living my life like that. There is nothing that can compare to a good book. Nothing in the world.

Right now, I am hoping to eventually be a mother. I look forward to the day when I can read "Good Night Moon" and "Where the Wild Things Are" to my own child. I am looking forward to the joy in their eyes when they read a Harry Potter or Twilight book (or whatever are the children's must read books at the time when they are growing up)

I hope that I can instill in my future child the same love for the limitless possibilities that reading provides. I know my love for reading has probably impacted my life more than anything else. I hope to pass that on. When a child loves to read, they are never alone.

I realize that as a child, my reading materials offered little to no cultural diversity. So, although I would like to share some of the stories I enjoyed with my own children, I do realize that I need to find books with a diverse cast of characters.

I am someone who loves to do research though, so I am sure there will be no problem finding reading material suitable for my children, books they can see themselves in, and characters with whom they can identify! But, if anyone out there can suggest some good books with non-white protagonists OR a multicultural cast of characters, I would really appreciate some suggestions.

Have You Ever Wanted Something so Bad it Hurt?

I never knew it was possible to want something so badly that it hurts. Too need something so much that you cannot sleep at night. I have been laying in bed for hours now and sleep is nowhere to be found. My mind will not stop running. I am absolutely obsessed. I cannot think of anything else. It is hard to even type because my body does not want to respond to my commands.

I want to be mother. I cannot imagine living another year without the prospect of having a child. I would walk through fire to have a son or daughter. Every time I think about life as a childless woman, I feel like I want to curl up in a little ball and turn to ashes.

I look at pictures of the children of my friends and it causes me physical pain. When I spend time at my father's house and see his wife's kids with their children, I end up having to leave the gathering, usually in tears. I have NEVER in my life wanted anything so passionately.

People tell me it is the wrong time to have a child, I do not have a career to support a child on my own. But, there are millions of women out there who are able to raise children with less resources than I have currently. While I do not have a high income, it is steady. My rent is a nominal amount. I spend half of my income each month on books and other forms of entertainment. If I cut back on those things, I will be able to support a child. He may not be able to always buy the newest video games or the brand name clothing, but he WILL be clothed and fed. And, even more importantly, he will be loved.

I have so much love to give a child. I have so much I can teach a child. I have always imagined being a PTA mom, going on school field trips with my child, and reading him bedtime stories at night. Even as a teenager, I knew that my ultimate purpose in life was to me a mom. Now, I am 36 years old, and nearing the end of my window of opportunity. And it terrifies me!

I do not want to go through life without a family. I am past the point of needing/wanting a "husband". I will be perfectly happy having a child. As long as the father of my child is in his life, he does not need to be my man.

I cannot sleep tonight because the thought of never having a child is weighing very heavily on my mind. Call me obsessed, but I simply do not want to live a life in which I cannot have a child. I dream about babies when I sleep. I wake up wondering if I will ever be blessed with a child. I go to sleep at night thinking about being a mother.

My mind will not stop. If I cannot have a child, I pray that my life will end. I cannot live without becoming a mother.

Please do not use my comment section to tell me how wrong I am to want a child at this point in life. I feel the way I feel, and no one can stop how I feel, so PLEASE do not try to convince me I am wrong.