I am in love. There is a person in my life who I would love to spend every day and every night with. When I imagine him with someone else, I feel like I am being roasted in Hell fire. When he talks about his children, I wish I could have a child with him. At one point I even asked him to be the father of my child. He turned me down.
I tried to distance myself from the situation, knowing that I tend to get extremely emotional when it comes to men. When I realized I could not stop thinking of him from the moment I woke up until the moment I laid my head down to sleep at night, I thought I had to do something to get him off of my mind. So, I stopped talking to him, thinking I would get over it in a few weeks. After two months, I realized it was not going to happen. So I started talking to him again.
I try REALLY hard to keep our conversations business like. I KNOW he does no reciprocate my feelings for him, but I keep holding on to hope that he will some day. This is my pattern. I fall for someone who wants to "just be friends", I cannot let go. I obsess day and night over the object of my affection. I annoy my friends and family by constantly talking about this individual. I go out of my way to do things for the person, hoping I will convince them that I am who they want in their life. And it NEVER works.
When I find someone who I feel so strongly about, nothing else matters. I can meet a million other men, even find someone who says he loves me, and it doesn't matter. I cannot give up on the person who I feel all of these emotions for. I am willing to sacrifice anything to be with the person. I want to cook for him, clean for him, perform any sexual act he desires. I want to love him. And, I want him to love me back.
Supposedly, if you can't be with the one you love, you should love the one you are with. I cannot do that. I keep imagining that things would be so much better, that I would be so much happier if only a certain person would make me his wife. I keep thinking that one of these days, one of these men that I love so hard will actually return the emotion. But, another part of me feels like I could never be "good enough" to be with the person who I love. I idolize the person. I make him into my God.
The funny thing is, the current object of my affection is someone who I have never even met. But, I want to spend my life with him. I want to take care of him, cater to him, love him.
Then again, if he DID offer me his love, I don't think I would know what to do with it.
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