A HUGE Revelation

"Sometimes I can't even comprehend this is what I really look like." - Ian
from HUGE on ABC Family.

Ahhh.... how many times have I looked in the mirror, and had this SAME EXACT thought running through my head. I think EVERY fat teen says this at some point in their life.

You get to a certain point where you are SO USED to being "different" that it becomes "normal". You feel like you are just like everyone else. You know that emotionally, you go through the same ups and downs as the rest of the world. You experience the same emotions as others... joy, pain, love, fear. You start to feel like you "fit in", like you have a place in the world no different from anyone else.

Then you look in the mirror.

And it all comes crumbling down. You realize that your fat makes you somehow different from every around you. You recognize that being obese makes you a pariah in the eyes of the rest of the world. You start to question your own confidence, wondering WHY you actually thought that you were entitled to live the same sort of life as the skinny, attractive individuals around you.

At this point, you start to obsess about every little thing you say and do. When someone says "Hello" to you and smiles, you imagine that as soon as they are out of sight, they are laughing at you. When you ACTUALLY HEAR people laughing, you assume it is because they are making a joke at your expense. You worry that when you are asked out on a date, it is because the person was DARED to approach you.

Now, I am speaking of fat teens because I think those formative years are when you are impacted most by being designated as "different" or "ugly" or even(and yes, this is a personal one) "a beast". But, those feelings never quite go away entirely.

I am 36 years old, and I still carry the "fat girl" burden around with me. And that burden is comprised of low self esteem, insecurity and self hatred. The burden lightens over time, but it is never shed entirely. It follows me into every relationship I have. It follows me to the grocery store, to a concert, on all of my dates. And sometimes, particularly after taking a long, hard look in the mirror, that burden becomes almost too much to bear.

When I was younger, I tried to punish myself for being fat. I cut myself. I overdosed on pills. I shied away from any social event where I would have to be around "normal" people.

I am at the point now that I am starting to love myself for who I am. Yes, I am fat, but SO WHAT??? Being fat has made me the person I am today, and actually, I think I am a pretty cool individual. I am smart. I am caring. I am inquisitive. I am unique and I am me.

I was going to say that being fat is the least of these things, but that would be a lie. Being fat has defined my life. It has directed my choice of friends. It has affected the way I interact with others. It has shaped how I look at life and what I care about. And that is actually a pretty good thing.

So now, when I look in the mirror and see myself as "fat", "weird" or "a loser", I try to look a little deeper and see the positive impact that being fat has made on my life. I know it is there.