I got More Issues than a Magazine Rack

OK, I should be doing what any good liberal blogger should be doing right now, and writing about the overturning of Prop 8. But, to be honest, right now I just do not really care who gets to marry who. To be honest, I would rather NO ONE be allowed to get married... that way maybe I will not feel so disgusted with myself for being a lonely old spinster cat lady with no prospects.

Yeah, I got issues. Anyone who talks to me for more than 15 minutes knows that I am a whole sack full of crazy. For that reason, I do not have many friends. The people who ARE in my life are the ones who can put up with my clinginess, my selfishness and my histrionics. As you can imagine, there are not too many of them.

I have had people tell me that they cannot understand why I am so lonely, why I spent most of my days home alone of the couch with no one to talk to, nose deep in a book. I am friendly, I am smart, I am caring. On the surface, I seem like a really great gal. But, once you get to know me, it is like you opened Pandora's box and unleashed all that is evil on the world.

When I find someone who treats me with respect, who seems to give a damn, I start to OD. I call them CONSTANTLY. If I cannot get in touch with them for an hour or two, I freak out and start to think that they are mad at me and never want to speak to me again. When I end a conversation with someone, I find myself mulling it over in my head for hours after wards, chastising myself for all of the things I said or did wrong. I pick apart every minute detail, and see only failure. Usually the other person who is in on the conversation never even gives a second thought to some faux pas I made that to me seems like a major tragedy.

My therapist told me I have abandonment issues. I do not know where they come from, but my life seems to revolve around the fear of someone leaving me. So, I end up pushing them away by all of my crazy demands. And I really don't mean that I consciously demand "things". Rather, I demand a lot of time and attention. I need Someone who is going to be there to talk to me and listen to me when I need someone to talk to. I need someone to talk me down when I have a batch of pills in my hand, and am ready to swallow them all. I need people who can deal with my crazy.

And frankly, that type of person does not come along very often at all.