So.... I spent the evening with a man...

So, I went out with a man who I have been avoiding for a few weeks now. He is a really nice guy. Not bad looking. Polite. Friendly. Courteous. The type who opens doors for a lady. First thing I noticed when I walked out to his car was that he opened the car door for me. I thought that was really sweet. Not too many guys do that nowadays. (I remember not knowing how to react when my ex pulled out my chair for me the first time we went to a restaurant LOL)

So, we went to go get coffee and doughnuts. I wasn't going to have him come to my house, because it was kinda messy, but we were really having some good conversation, so I changed my mind. So, we headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. He gave me his last two cigarettes. He even gave me money for the bus when I told him I was going to have to cancel my doctor's appointment because I had no way of getting there.

Then, he tried to kiss me. And thus ensued the awkwardness. Why? Because he is the "wrong" race. Yeah, I know, shallow as hell. And, I felt really awful about it, because he is a REALLY nice guy, and for all I know, he could become the love of my life. So, while my first instinct was to go back to ignoring his calls, I decided to tell him the truth.

I told him that I have dated Black men exclusively for the past 15 years, and am having a really hard time adjusting to the idea of dating someone who is not Black (he is El Salvadorean). He said he understood, and would be patient, and that he would still like to see me again.

I didn't know exactly how to explain it to him, but honestly, I almost feel like I am a traitor to my ideals by dating a man who is not Black. I don't know WHY I feel the way I do. It is like I feel that if I date someone who is not Black, I am turning my back on the fight for racial justice. And I know realistically this is not true. I can be just as effective in fighting racism dating a white man, a Black man, or a Hispanic man. But, there is this fear in my that if I date a man who is not Black he will end up being someone who is racist towards Black people.

I tried dating a Puerto Rican man a few years ago. But, after a few weeks of speaking with him, he started saying some fucking up things about Black women. So, I had to cut the relationship off. And I am terrified that the same thing will happen with this man. So, I told him about my concerns.

He SEEMS to be open minded and nonjudgmental SO FAR, but only time will tell. But, THE FIRST time I hear him say some uncalled for shit, will be the last time, believe me. I just hope he is patient and can bear with me until I am able to adjust to what is a brand new experience for me.

Schoolhouse Rock...

Dear Penis.....

I can't Understand!

Why is it so easy for other women to get pregnant and not me?

I look at women who treat their children like dirt and wonder why they have been giving the blessing of being a mother while I have been denied. What egregious sin have I committed that I have not been able to conceive? Why am I being punished?

I look at 16 year old girls have babies and foisting their care off upon their mothers while they go out partying and wonder why THEY are able to be "mothers" when they DO NOT EVEN CARE or particularly WANT TO BE while I, who am DESPERATE to have a child of my own, am unable to??

I do not care HOW I have a child, whether it is a biological child, an adoptive child or a long term foster child, I WANT TO BE A MOMMY!

It is ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! I am not asking for a lot of money! I do not want a fancy car or a house! I do not need any of the "finer" things in life, I simply want the opportunity to raise a child. I want to be able to pass the lessons that I have learned throughout my life on to another human being. I want someone to nurture and take care of. Someone to provide for. Someone to love.

Every month, I become more and more depressed when I realize I am not pregnant. I trick myself into believing that it is GOING TO HAPPEN. This month I have take THREE pregnancy tests! I do not want to believe I am NOT having a child. I am late. I am nauseous. I am peeing every half hour. But, I am NOT pregnant.

Why??

I NEED to become a mother, more than I have ever needed anything in my entire life. I do not even see the purpose of continuing this life if I cannot have a child.

For YEARS, I have been "irregular". Because of my blood sugar (I thought it was my weight, but it turned out to be my sugar) I would go months, even years, without getting a period, and then when I did get one, it would last for months and months. At one point it lasted almost two years. So, I could understand why I was unable to conceive then.

But I am doing everything right now. My sugar WAS in the normal range (until a few weeks ago) and my cycle was regular for the first time in years. For the past three months, I have been trying to schedule my sexual activity around my cycle, to optimize my chance of conceiving. And still, nothing.

I am at my wits end. My doctor wants me to wait 4-6 months to seriously try to get pregnant. She wants my sugar to be BACK in normal range (it is still a tad high from the past few weeks of falling off my diet), and she wants to take me off of a bunch of my medications in preparation for pregnancy. I am terrified that no matter what I do, it is not going to happen!

I would love to be able to adopt, but as a single woman on a fixed income, that would be very difficult right now. So, I am going to work with my doctor on this one. I want this. I need this.

It WILL happen. I have to have faith.

I have to believe.

Every Sperm is Sacred!

Lonely

I am so sick and tired of sleeping alone at night. I have a big, huge bed, and I need someone to lie beside me in it. I want to wake up and see his sleeping form beside me, and know that he means something to me and I mean something to him. I need love.

For the past few years, I have said that having a man didn't mean as much to me as having a child. That I could live without a boyfriend or a husband. That I preferred to be on my own, to not have anyone to answer to.

I am not so sure now.

I want someone here who will hold me when I need to be held. Who will kiss me when my lips are burning with desire. Who will stroke my cheek and run his fingers through my hair.

I am sick of being alone.

I really cannot imagine living the rest of my life as a single, childless woman. If I have to, I would honestly rather not live at all. I need love.

I need someone to listen to me when I speak, to comfort me when I cry, and to cheer me up when I am down.

I need someone in my life. I have an empty void in my life. I am tired of being alone.

I am 36 years old. I have no husband. No boyfriend. No children. No prospects.

I do not know what to do. I cannot continue to go on like this. I need someone special in my life. I need someone to love.

I need a miracle.

Shit, at this point, I will just settle for a warm body lying next to me at night.

"I Bet My Daughter Knows my Name!"

So, this little girl apparently was awakened by her parents "love". So, her father decided to probe to find out what she saw. And the results are hilarious!

I have to say though, I admire her parents handling what was an embarrassing situation WITHOUT making the little girl feel like what she saw/heard was not natural. They did not make her feel like she was "bad" for witnessing a totally natural act. I applaud them for that.

I also have to say that some of the comments I have seen around the internet about this video are hideous. A lot of racist comments of course. A lot of "the parents should have known better". WHAT exactly should they have "known better"?? Should they never share an act of love while their daughter is living with them?? Out of fear that she may realize that sex is a normal, natural part of a loving relationship??

Whatever the naysayers may believe, I see this video as an example of a loving family and think it is precious!